No Name Calling: How to Speak Kindly to Yourself
Written By Latosha Walker
Founder & CEO, Wondering.Waves | Military Spouse | Creator | Storyteller
Published: November 8, 2025
Day 8 of my mindfulness series—exploring the power of language, the dangers of absolute self-talk, and how to reframe your inner dialogue with kindness and accuracy.
The Power of Words: What We Call Ourselves Matters
This morning, I padded into the kitchen, sunlight just beginning to seep through the blinds. The world felt quiet, but my mind was already busy, replaying yesterday’s little stumbles. As I poured my coffee, I caught myself thinking, “You’re so scatterbrained.” It was a throwaway comment, but it lingered—a familiar echo from years of self-critique.
It’s amazing how quickly we slip into name-calling, especially when we’re tired, stressed, or facing something new. Those words—idiot, failure, lazy, always, never—have a way of sticking to our insides, shaping how we see ourselves. But as I sat at the table, mug warming my hands, I remembered something from earlier in this series: the language we use with ourselves matters. It’s not just about what happened, but about the story we tell ourselves in response.
Latosha pauses with her morning coffee at a sunlit Texas kitchen table, reflecting on the gentle echoes of “Be careful!” and “Be nice!”—a moment of self-kindness, leadership, and mindful self-talk.
Name Calling vs. Naming the Moment
Let’s take a simple example from my own life: sending an email to the wrong person. It’s happened to all of us, right? That sinking feeling in your chest, the flush of embarrassment. My first instinct is often, “I’m such an idiot.” The label feels final, like a stamp on my forehead. But is that really true? Or did I just make a mistake?
What if, instead, I said, “I made a mistake. Next time, I’ll double-check before I hit send.” Suddenly, the focus shifts. I’m not defined by the error—I’m simply acknowledging it and learning from it. The difference may seem subtle, but it’s profound. The first statement attacks my character; the second describes an action.
The Danger of Absolutes
Growing up, I was a sensitive, creative kid—always dreaming, sometimes distracted. I remember a teacher once telling me, “You’re always in your own world.” At the time, it felt like a judgment, not a compliment. Over the years, I internalized those absolutes: always, never, too much, not enough. They became part of my inner script.
But the truth is, absolutes are rarely accurate. No one is always anything. We’re all a mix of strengths and struggles, successes and slip-ups. When I label myself in absolute terms, I close the door to growth. If I believe I’m “always disorganized,” why would I bother trying to get organized? If I think “I’m never good at meeting new people,” I might stop showing up altogether.
The Inner Critic’s Favorite Phrases
After a week of paying close attention to my self-talk (thanks to this series!), I’ve noticed some patterns. My inner critic loves to use:
“You always mess things up.”
“You never get it right.”
“You’re so awkward.”
“You’re not creative enough.”
“You’re lazy.”
These phrases aren’t just inaccurate—they’re unkind. And over time, they wear grooves in my self-esteem, making it harder to try new things or forgive myself for being human.
Rewriting the Script: From Critic to Motivator
One of the most powerful shifts I’ve made is learning to reframe these statements. Instead of calling myself names, I try to describe what actually happened:
“I made a mistake.” (Not: “I’m an idiot.”)
“I forgot something important.” (Not: “I’m so forgetful.”)
“I felt awkward in that conversation.” (Not: “I’m always awkward.”)
This kind of language leaves room for growth and change. It reminds me that I’m not defined by a single moment or mistake.
A Practice from My Journal
Each morning, I spend a few minutes journaling—a habit I started earlier in this mindfulness series. When I notice harsh self-talk, I write it down, then rewrite it in gentler, more accurate terms. For example:
Harsh: “You’re so lazy for not getting everything done.”
Gentle: “You needed rest today, and that’s okay. You did what you could.”
This practice helps me catch those labels before they take root, and it reminds me that I have the power to choose my words.
The Ripple Effect: How Self-Talk Shapes Relationships
Something beautiful happens when I speak kindly to myself: I find it easier to be kind to others. When I stop judging myself so harshly, I’m less likely to judge my husband for leaving dishes in the sink, or a friend for canceling plans. Compassion grows from the inside out.
I’ve noticed this especially in my work with Wondering.Waves. When I’m gentle with myself about a creative mistake—a crooked stitch, a color choice that didn’t work—I’m more patient with customers and fellow makers. I can celebrate their progress, encourage their efforts, and forgive little errors, because I’m practicing the same grace with myself.
A Story from the Crochet Table
Last month, I was working on a custom doll—a challenging commission with intricate details. About halfway through, I realized I’d used the wrong shade of blue for the uniform. My first thought: “You’re so careless. How could you mess this up?” The urge to rip out the stitches and start over was strong.
But then I remembered: mistakes are part of the process. I took a breath, set the project aside, and went for a short walk. When I came back, I told myself, “You made a mistake, but you can fix it. This doesn’t make you a bad maker—it makes you human.” The doll turned out beautifully, and the customer loved it. The only person who would have noticed the “flaw” was me.
The Echoes of Childhood: “Be Careful!” and “Be Nice!”
Growing up, some of the words I heard most often were “Be careful!” and “Be nice!” My mom would say them as I left for school, before I tried something new, or whenever I was about to speak my mind. At the time, it felt like love—a protective reminder to stay safe, to fit in, to avoid getting hurt or hurting others. But over time, those phrases settled deep into my bones.
“Be careful!” wasn’t just about physical safety. It became a warning to watch every step, to second-guess my instincts, to hold back whenever things felt uncertain. Even now, as an adult, I sometimes hear that voice in my head when I’m about to take a creative risk or share something vulnerable. “Be careful,” it whispers. “Don’t mess up. Don’t stand out too much.”
Then there’s “Be nice!”—another phrase that shaped my self-talk in ways I’m only now beginning to understand. I’ve always had a strong voice, a natural tendency to take charge and organize things (the “here’s the list of what needs to get done” kind of leader). But when I was direct or assertive, I’d sometimes be told, “Be nice,” as if my leadership or honesty was too much, too sharp.
That phrase taught me to soften my words, to wrap every request in layers of politeness and gratitude, even when I was overwhelmed or needed help. It’s why, even now, I sometimes find it hard to ask for what I need without feeling guilty, or to give feedback without second-guessing myself. I want to be kind, but I don’t want to silence my own needs or shrink my leadership.
Reframing the Script: Leading with Kindness (to Myself, Too)
Lately, I’ve been working on changing the way I talk to myself when those echoes show up. Instead of letting “Be careful!” turn into self-doubt or hesitation, I try to reframe it: “Take a breath. You can handle this. It’s okay to try, even if it feels risky.” And when I catch myself worrying about being “nice” at the expense of my own voice, I remind myself: “It’s possible to be kind and clear. You can lead with gratitude and still set boundaries.”
This isn’t always easy. Sometimes, when I’m delegating tasks or organizing a project, I worry I’m coming across as bossy or ungrateful, even if I say “thank you” a dozen times. But I’m learning that my intentions matter, and that I can be both a strong leader and a compassionate friend—to others and to myself.
Real Life at Wondering.Waves: Balancing Leadership and Kindness
Running Wondering.Waves means wearing a lot of hats—creator, business owner, community builder, and sometimes, unofficial team leader when I collaborate or coordinate with others. There are days when I need to delegate, set deadlines, or ask for help with packaging, shipping, or even just emotional support. My “leader voice” comes out: organized, direct, focused on getting things done.
But as soon as I give clear instructions or make a request, those old echoes pop up. “Was I too blunt? Did I sound ungrateful? Should I have softened my words more?” I’ll find myself sending a second message: “Thank you so much, I really appreciate you!”—even if I’d already said it. That inner voice chimes in, “Be nice. Don’t be too much. Don’t forget to be careful with people’s feelings.”
Sometimes, this means I take on extra work myself, just to avoid asking again. Or I’ll spend more time editing my messages for tone than actually doing the work. It’s a dance between wanting to be kind and wanting to be efficient—a tension I know many women, especially leaders, feel.
What’s helping me lately is pausing before I send a message or make a request. I’ll ask myself: “Am I being clear and respectful? Have I expressed gratitude? Am I also honoring my own needs?” If the answer is yes, I try to let go of the guilt and trust that kindness and clarity can coexist.
And when I catch myself worrying about being “too much,” I remind myself: being a leader doesn’t mean being unkind, and being kind doesn’t mean shrinking my voice. I can lead with both strength and warmth—starting with how I talk to myself.
The Language of Encouragement
Being your own best friend isn’t about ignoring mistakes or pretending everything is perfect. It’s about speaking to yourself with the same encouragement you’d offer someone you love. When my inner voice shifts from critic to motivator, I feel more resilient, more hopeful, and more willing to try again.
Some phrases I’m practicing:
“You did your best with what you had today.”
“It’s okay to make mistakes. That’s how you learn.”
“You’re growing, even if it’s slow.”
“You’re allowed to have off days.”
Practical Tips: Changing Your Inner Dialogue
If you’re ready to shift your self-talk, here are a few practices that have helped me:
Notice the Label: When you catch yourself using harsh names or absolutes, pause and write it down.
Reframe Gently: Ask, “Is this true? Or am I being too hard on myself?” Rewrite the statement to focus on the action, not your identity.
Imagine a Friend: Would you say these words to your best friend or a loved one? If not, try speaking to yourself with the same kindness.
Practice Out Loud: Sometimes, saying kind words out loud—“I made a mistake, but I’m learning”—helps them sink in.
Celebrate Small Wins: Notice when you catch yourself and reframe. That’s growth!
Building a Kinder Inner World
This journey isn’t about perfection. There are still days when I slip into old habits, calling myself names or speaking in absolutes. But every time I catch myself and choose a kinder word, I’m building a more compassionate inner world.
The more I practice, the more natural it becomes. And the more natural it feels, the more I notice kindness flowing into my relationships, my work, and my community.
Reflection Prompt
Today, pay attention to your self-talk. When you make a mistake, how do you speak to yourself? Can you shift from labels to accurate, gentle statements? Try being your own best friend, and notice how it changes your mood and your relationships.
With kindness and hope,
Latosha